5 years ago today, my Emma died.
5 years ago today, I felt Emma’s last movements and heard my
little one’s final heartbeats.
5 years ago today, I was told that my daughter had just
died. And, the realization began to set in that my daughter would not, in this
world, ever see my face or feel my arms around her. However, though she does not know what I look
like, she has looked into the face of Jesus.
While she has not known my arms holding her, she knows the embrace of
the King. And for that, I rejoice.
Tomorrow is Emma’s birthday.
5 years ago, I labored. I
delivered. And there was a silent
room. I did not hear her cries. And for my lifetime, I will not hear her
sweet voice calling me “Mommy” or saying that she loves me. But for all eternity, she will sing to her
heavenly Father and praise Him perfectly in love. While I do not sing her lullabies at bedtime,
she is able to rejoice with the angelic choirs praising our amazing, eternal,
sovereign Savior. And for that, I rejoice.
Monday will mark 5 years since the day I rode away from the
hospital with an empty car, no baby to take home. But the truth is, she was already home. She was already in her true home…already in
my true home too. And for that, I
rejoice.
So, 5 years later, I will rejoice. I will make her birthday dessert, and I will
cry. And as I do, I will rejoice in my
good, faithful God, Who has carried Josh and me as we have walked through the
valley of the shadow of death (See Ps. 23:4; 28:9). It would have been easy to fall into depression
and despair, yet I will say with David: “I
would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the
LORD in the land of the living.” (Psalm
27:13) Our God is so very good. In the midst of our lives whether in a trial
or not, He is unchanging, unwavering, loving, faithful, gracious, strong, peace-giving,
trustworthy, and a million other adjectives that would still be inadequate to
describe Him. Our God is awesome. He alone is able to work all of the
circumstances of our lives for our best and His glory (See Rom. 8:28).
I do not know the matters of your heart, but join me. Rest in Him today. Rejoice in Him today. Yes, grieve what needs to be grieved over,
but in it, rejoice in Him, just Him. Because He really is beautiful.
Take heart. Lay down
your burden. Rejoice.
“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!”
Phil. 4:4
OH dear Jane, it gave me chills to read your post. I remember that day, and hearing your news. I realize, I can not imagine the pain or hurt, or understand how you must feel; but I appreciate your witness, and the strong faith and endurance that you share with the rest of us...no matter what life brings, its putting faith in the Lord that will always see us through, and I appreciate and cherish your testimony so much through such a hardship! I kept thinking of Holly as I read your post, and I think of my dear friend Kacey, three Godly women faced with such a trial, that I cannot fathom, but you all share a love for the Lord... and that... that is wonderful! And such an encouragement. I am so happy for your blessings that have come despite a storm...and although Emma will be missed, you are an incredible momma to three wonderful babies, who love you so much! And for that I know you are truly thankful, and blessed! Love you dear!
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