Don’t you love that God is not bound by time? Don’t you love that the One Who created time
in the very beginning controls it and is not bound by what He spoke into
existence? Don’t you love that He
inhabits eternity, both past and present, that He is simultaneously the Alpha
and the Omega, the beginning and the end?
Don’t you love that God’s omnipresence extends beyond physical geography
to include time itself? And, honestly, don’t you love that this blows your mind?!
I do. I hang on that
truth.
Yet. Today, because I
am bound by time, I have marked its passage.
I have counted 3,650 days. Today
is a decade, a full 10 years, since my Emma died. A full 10 years that she has gazed on the
face of Jesus. A full 10 years that she
has sung His praise with the angels. A
full 10 years she has beheld His glory.
Of course, this means it is also a full 10 years since I have seen her sweet
small face, 10 years that my arms have ached to hold her, and 10 years that my
heart feels stifling pain over the loss of not watching her grow up in front of
me.
Yet, to my God, these days that I have painstakingly
counted, have been a blink. “For a
thousand years in Your sight are like yesterday when it passes by, or as a
watch in the night.” (Ps. 90:4) And,
“…with the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years like one
day.” (2 Peter 3:8) For Him, though He knows how many days, minutes, and
seconds since my sweet E’s heart stopped beating, He is as present in both that
moment and this moment and also the future moment when I stand in His presence
and see Him face to face…and when I see my girl in her restored, healthy
body. His name is Jehovah Shammah, the
Lord is There. He is where? Yes, exactly…He’s there.
Weird post for a decade of my heartache? I agree.
It kind of is. But I have always
found theology comforting. God is just
so big and His ways are so much higher than mine. I find the more He blows my mind, the more my
thoughts and emotions fall into check. And,
well, this is just where I’m standing today.
I’m standing in the fact that prior to Emma’s death, God was
there; He had prepared us. We walked
through storms where He taught us to seek Him, to listen, to wait for His
timing, for His word, for His direction.
He taught us to lay ourselves out before Him, so He could show us His
might and His deliverance and His provision.
So that day, 10 years ago, when the only thing He said to me as Josh
sped me to the hospital, was, “Jane, though you walk through the valley of the
shadow of death, fear no evil, for I am with you,” I knew that if my girl would
die, He would be there.
I’m standing in the fact that after Emma went home, God was
there. In my life I have never known
such tangible peace, grace, and mercy like He gave in that season of raw
grief. But it was so perfect because it
was Him. “He Himself is our peace.”
(Ephesians 2:14) Certainly He is our
peace with God, the One who bridged the chasm so we could know the Father and
be given a restored relationship with Him, and He is also the ever-present
peace in our lives whose grace is sufficient for every circumstance and
situation. He covered us when we had to
choose Emma’s burial plot and the flowers for her casket. He carried us when we sat, still stunned, at
her funeral. He gave us a song of
praise. He brought joy in spite of great
pain. He was there.
On anniversaries, I think it’s normal to look back on the
passage of time and remember all the moments, all the milestones. And on this anniversary of our great pain, I’m
standing in the glorious fact, that from her death til today, He has been
there. To be honest, Charles Dickens
probably summed up this decade of our lives better than I could, when he said
“it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” This season has been a season of big life
changes for us. We buried a child, and
welcomed 3 more. We almost lost our home
due to huge and sudden financial problems, yet we bought and sold a home that
for us represented a restoration of financial stability. We have given our lives to serve vocationally
in the church, yet we have dealt with brothers and sisters who have wounded us
where we have served. We have moved our
family 7 times in as many years, 2 of which took us halfway across the country,
never allowing us to have a true “hometown”, yet our horizons are expanded, we
have heart-connects with people across the country, and this world isn’t our
true home anyway. We have been betrayed
by ministry friends, yet we have been loved by more than one church family and
we have learned how to forgive in the absence of apology. We have seen our children give their lives to
Christ, and yet there are days that we still want to pull our parenting hair
out. The point is, at no place in all
the way has He left us. In every piece
of the journey, in every path of righteousness He is led us down, He has been
there, showing us His glory and His character and His specific, detailed love
for us.
And. He is here. Now.
And for the next decade, which, by the way, will see my oldest daughter finish
her freshman year of college, my middle child graduate high school, and my
youngest begin driving, He will be there.
He already is.
So then, I can rest in Him through every day of the past,
through every day of my present, and for every tomorrow that comes in the
future because He is there. He will not
change. His goodness will remain. And because I’m His kid, He will forever be
working out the circumstances of my life in this fallen world, bringing them
about for my good and His glory. “I
would have despaired [about a gazillion times in the last 10 years] unless I
had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the
living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and
let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the LORD.” (Psalm 27:13-14)
So, on this day 10 years ago, Emma saw Jesus face to face. And though my physical eyes can’t see Him
today, I choose to join her with the eyes of my heart, mind, and anything else
I can pull together to focus on Him, to see His constancy, His dependability. I will rest my soul at His feet, where my
daughter is already bodily sitting, leaning into His goodness, knowing that
whatever surprises me, will not surprise Him, because He is already there and
already has it worked together for my good.
And though 10 years feels like more than a day to me, yet I will live
with eternity in view because He has set it in my heart (Ecc. 3:11), and I will
look forward to the day, I join my daughter in His glorious presence.
